Right, meaning my time as an eater of all things non-dairy. My sweet 3 month old Camille Soleil showed early signs of not tolerating dairy proteins. As a nursing mommy I made the choice at about week 2 of her life to cut dairy out of my diet for her health and well being.
But, I think my time as a non-dairy eater is just about up. Lately I have been sneaking a nibble here and a small bite there of things like cheese, butter and even (gasp!) ice cream. Gauging Camille's reactions of not reacting to these bites with things like excessive spitting up, to eczema, I am almost near the point of having a glass of (mmm....) milk. In one of my dreams last night I indulged in a cold glass of the white stuff and it was as satisfying as I remember. My dreams are good for things like that. My time without dairy would have been near impossible and it was difficult for the first several weeks, but I found so many great non-dairy replacements. Here are a few of my favorites.
First on the list; Luna and Larry's Coconut Milk Ice Cream in Chocolate. This discovery alone has converted me to a coconut milk ice cream lova'. The only caveat with this new found love is the price. $6+ for one measly pint! For Christmas I am going to ask Santa for a new whiz table top ice cream maker! One pint is barely enough for 2 sittings.
Second (by a fraction): Double Rainbow's Chocolate Sorbet. Oh man, I just had this today and the decadence of the chocolate with the smooth sorbet mouth feel...YUMMY! Thank you guys from San Fran. Hmm...Double Rainbow?
Third: Coconut milk from the can, Thai style. I started using the canned coconut milk which will separate in the can with the creamy stuff hanging out on top, in my morning Jamba Juice style smoothies. So good! My favorite coco concoction is the coconut milk, a splash of OJ, a banana, unsweetened cocoa powder, a tablespoon of peanut butter, flax oil (for good Omega 3s), soy protein powder and ice cubes. Its pretty fantastic if I do say so myself.
Fourth: Daiya Cheese, the milk free, gluten free, soy free, everything else free-but-tastes-good cheese in both cheddar and mozzarella. I have to thank my good friend Erin Langstraat for this one as her daughters' have a very sensitive system for just about everything. Erin is like a one-woman-food-allergist-resource-guide. She has been such an awesome support and she even picked up my two packages of Daiya cheese when she went to the specialty store that carries it.
Fifth: Vanilla enriched Rice Dream Rice milk. I tried soy milk and let me tell you in so many words it did not agree with me, or with Camille. I tried almond milk and it was okay except for the funny after taste. I even tried coconut milk, made in a milk like container for drinking and that wasn't that great either. Lastly was rice milk and it has been the best. At the end of the day however there is no real substitute for my friend cow's milk. I need the protein and the flavor cannot be mimicked.
Last night's dream feels like a premonition, a glance into the very near future if you will and I do look forward to the day when I can again pour myself a nice tall glass of it. Camille however is my most important priority and I do not want to cause her discomfort so I will continue to have a minimal amount of dairy products and keep checking her progress. Until then I will just have to keep dreaming of my tall glasses of milk.
(BTW: just as I was about to finish this post my tall drink of water hubby came home from work and dished up his nightly bowl of ice cream, we are a hard core dairy family and his small glass of cold milk to wash the ice cream down with. I asked if I could have a drink of his milk, he agreed but wouldn't you know it, it was 3 days past due and I could taste it. YUCK! Nice first drink after several months!)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Bad Mommy Award" goes to...me.
My sweet 3 week old Camille has a virus.
Last night I noticed what look like a serious case of heat rash all over Camille's little barely three week old body. What I read in Dr. Sear's "The Baby Book" is that heat rash is generally found in the folds and creases of a baby's body and around where diapers sit. What Camille had, or has is all over her body, legs, arms and trunk. The rash is angrier around her folds and under her diaper, but in places that one would not usually find the prickly like heat bumps.
I checked this morning and the rash persisted through the night. It was a little calmer this morning, but still present. A call was promptly made to the Dr. office and I took my sweet Camille in this afternoon. I began to go through my mind as to what else would cause the bumps, like a sensitivity to the soy milk Im drinking (because she is sensitive to cow's milk), or her flaky newborn skin, or even again just a bad case of heat rash. I knew it could not be associated with my laundry detergent because I use free detergent, as in free of dyes and perfumes and I don't use fabric softener either. I ran all of my ideas across the Dr. and he shot each one down and finally settled on some viral infection. He then asked me "Do you take her out a lot?" Um...yes, I do. He looked at me and I noted something in the glance and he promptly reminded me that newborns do not have the defenses to ward off viruses and I should not take her out to frequently.
The crappy thing is, I know this. I know that babies, especially the new newborns are crazy suseptible to all kinds of sickneses. In my cockiness, I guess I figured the rules did not apply to my child partly because Adalyn was hauled all over with Derek and I and she never came down with anything. In fact it was just a month or more ago that she had to go on her first round of antibiotics at 2 and half years old. I am grateful that all Camille seems to be suffering from is the red bumps on her skin and no fever or stunted eating or weird poops, but really mom, it could have totally been worse.
So my lesson learned here is, although I may feel up to climb a mountain just days after birthing my baby, my baby is still, well, a baby. Fragile, precious and not just something to show off to others for admiration. I need to slow it way down, if not for me, for my sweet Camille.
(PS she is not contagious!! Which again is better than it could be because then I could stress about all the people I infected graciously sharing my child with anyone who wanted to hold her.)
Last night I noticed what look like a serious case of heat rash all over Camille's little barely three week old body. What I read in Dr. Sear's "The Baby Book" is that heat rash is generally found in the folds and creases of a baby's body and around where diapers sit. What Camille had, or has is all over her body, legs, arms and trunk. The rash is angrier around her folds and under her diaper, but in places that one would not usually find the prickly like heat bumps.
I checked this morning and the rash persisted through the night. It was a little calmer this morning, but still present. A call was promptly made to the Dr. office and I took my sweet Camille in this afternoon. I began to go through my mind as to what else would cause the bumps, like a sensitivity to the soy milk Im drinking (because she is sensitive to cow's milk), or her flaky newborn skin, or even again just a bad case of heat rash. I knew it could not be associated with my laundry detergent because I use free detergent, as in free of dyes and perfumes and I don't use fabric softener either. I ran all of my ideas across the Dr. and he shot each one down and finally settled on some viral infection. He then asked me "Do you take her out a lot?" Um...yes, I do. He looked at me and I noted something in the glance and he promptly reminded me that newborns do not have the defenses to ward off viruses and I should not take her out to frequently.
The crappy thing is, I know this. I know that babies, especially the new newborns are crazy suseptible to all kinds of sickneses. In my cockiness, I guess I figured the rules did not apply to my child partly because Adalyn was hauled all over with Derek and I and she never came down with anything. In fact it was just a month or more ago that she had to go on her first round of antibiotics at 2 and half years old. I am grateful that all Camille seems to be suffering from is the red bumps on her skin and no fever or stunted eating or weird poops, but really mom, it could have totally been worse.
So my lesson learned here is, although I may feel up to climb a mountain just days after birthing my baby, my baby is still, well, a baby. Fragile, precious and not just something to show off to others for admiration. I need to slow it way down, if not for me, for my sweet Camille.
(PS she is not contagious!! Which again is better than it could be because then I could stress about all the people I infected graciously sharing my child with anyone who wanted to hold her.)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Day One
Day One, of being home as a full time mommy with two children and the husband at work.
Camille had her 2 week check up today and with good report! She is now 10lbs. 11oz and 21.5" long! She is over the 85% of other children her age, under what Adalyn was at this point, but hey, each baby is different.
Getting out of the house was relatively easy this morning and we were on time for the 10am Dr. appointment. I have started a sticker reward system for Adalyn, with her good behavior earning her a sticker and with so many stickers earning her a special treat, like a Jamba Juice. I was feeling really good about the day, thinking that I had it in the bag, that is until we got into the appointment with the Dr. In the middle of my conversation with Dr. Buffington about my delivery with Camille, Adalyn began demanding that I stop talking. She has never done that before and so I ignored her and continued my conversation. She began to become even more demanding and at the climax of her fit she struck me several times and even hit Camille on top of the head. I made her stand away from us and she began to scream and at that point I changed my tactic and asked what she needed from a hug to sitting on my lap. I offered to put baby sister in the car seat and to have Adalyn sit on my lap. The Dr brought out several books for Adalyn to look at. I was finally able to redirect Adalyn when the Dr. began her check up of Camille by having Adalyn observe what the Dr. was doing.
After the appointment I wanted to run up to the nearest Trader Joe's and grab a few groceries. Thank you Trader Joe's for having child size shopping carts! Adalyn loved pushing it around with the groceries we were planning on purchasing. However somewhere along the way, I am now having a hard time remembering Adalyn hauled off and hit me again for something that she was frustrated over me not allowing her to do. We went home and Adalyn went down for a nap and so Camille and I also took the opportunity for a snooze.
One of my favorite moments with Adalyn is when she comes into my room after waking up in the morning or from a nap and I am still in bed and we share a sweet smile. She came in and crawled in bed with me, but as I anticipated just a moment later she began asking then demanding some chocolate cookies that I gave her a taste of before her nap. I told her she could have some in a few minutes after I got out of bed. She did not like the idea of waiting and began to whine and then scream and finally hit me again.
At this point I am super angry. I am having a hard time keeping it together, in fact as it is, I jump out of bed and not as gently as a mother should I pick her up and march her to her room for a time out. The feeling of anger that I have at her behavior is overwhelming. Even now as I think about my emotions in relation to her behavior and I am troubled by them. I know she is acting up more because of the change of our family dynamics, but I am ultimately responsible for managing not only my emotions and behavior, but hers as well. I can remember never feeling angry at her. Granted this was when she was my only child and there was a sense of ease about our relationship as mother and daughter. It has become more complicated now because of the addition of another beautiful girl, and because Adalyn is growing more independent. Part of me is afraid of not having that same sense of being in love that I had when she was my only one and that the feelings of frustration and anger at her behavior will begin to consume more of my time with her. How do I manage that? How do I capture that special sweetness as she is my daughter and I love her more than I love my life? I weep over some of what I feel I have already lost, yet I would not give up having Camille in my life now for anything, but I do not want to sacrifice my bond with Adalyn either. This is not a new problem I am sure, but it is new to me.
To end for the time being, we are having a day of no TV because of the choices Adalyn made today and I am making sure I give her more one on one time in the interim. We shall see how the rest of the day progresses.
Camille had her 2 week check up today and with good report! She is now 10lbs. 11oz and 21.5" long! She is over the 85% of other children her age, under what Adalyn was at this point, but hey, each baby is different.
Getting out of the house was relatively easy this morning and we were on time for the 10am Dr. appointment. I have started a sticker reward system for Adalyn, with her good behavior earning her a sticker and with so many stickers earning her a special treat, like a Jamba Juice. I was feeling really good about the day, thinking that I had it in the bag, that is until we got into the appointment with the Dr. In the middle of my conversation with Dr. Buffington about my delivery with Camille, Adalyn began demanding that I stop talking. She has never done that before and so I ignored her and continued my conversation. She began to become even more demanding and at the climax of her fit she struck me several times and even hit Camille on top of the head. I made her stand away from us and she began to scream and at that point I changed my tactic and asked what she needed from a hug to sitting on my lap. I offered to put baby sister in the car seat and to have Adalyn sit on my lap. The Dr brought out several books for Adalyn to look at. I was finally able to redirect Adalyn when the Dr. began her check up of Camille by having Adalyn observe what the Dr. was doing.
After the appointment I wanted to run up to the nearest Trader Joe's and grab a few groceries. Thank you Trader Joe's for having child size shopping carts! Adalyn loved pushing it around with the groceries we were planning on purchasing. However somewhere along the way, I am now having a hard time remembering Adalyn hauled off and hit me again for something that she was frustrated over me not allowing her to do. We went home and Adalyn went down for a nap and so Camille and I also took the opportunity for a snooze.
One of my favorite moments with Adalyn is when she comes into my room after waking up in the morning or from a nap and I am still in bed and we share a sweet smile. She came in and crawled in bed with me, but as I anticipated just a moment later she began asking then demanding some chocolate cookies that I gave her a taste of before her nap. I told her she could have some in a few minutes after I got out of bed. She did not like the idea of waiting and began to whine and then scream and finally hit me again.
At this point I am super angry. I am having a hard time keeping it together, in fact as it is, I jump out of bed and not as gently as a mother should I pick her up and march her to her room for a time out. The feeling of anger that I have at her behavior is overwhelming. Even now as I think about my emotions in relation to her behavior and I am troubled by them. I know she is acting up more because of the change of our family dynamics, but I am ultimately responsible for managing not only my emotions and behavior, but hers as well. I can remember never feeling angry at her. Granted this was when she was my only child and there was a sense of ease about our relationship as mother and daughter. It has become more complicated now because of the addition of another beautiful girl, and because Adalyn is growing more independent. Part of me is afraid of not having that same sense of being in love that I had when she was my only one and that the feelings of frustration and anger at her behavior will begin to consume more of my time with her. How do I manage that? How do I capture that special sweetness as she is my daughter and I love her more than I love my life? I weep over some of what I feel I have already lost, yet I would not give up having Camille in my life now for anything, but I do not want to sacrifice my bond with Adalyn either. This is not a new problem I am sure, but it is new to me.
To end for the time being, we are having a day of no TV because of the choices Adalyn made today and I am making sure I give her more one on one time in the interim. We shall see how the rest of the day progresses.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Getting back into the swing of blogs.
I would like to believe that my situation is not unique, mainly that I may search out those with similar experiences to cash in some advice. So please, read and render what knowledge you have for my cause. I need you.
For Christmas this year, which was a nice, homey affair I had suggested to my Mother in law (M.I.L) that she in behalf of her and my Father in law (F.I.L) get Derek and I a pre-framed print of the Sacramento Temple. In the Deseret Book catalog there was a beautiful black and white print of the various temples and the Sac temple was one available. She agreed, no problems and that was the extent of our conversation.
Christmas day arrived and I was anticipating the print, but not surprised when she said that she did not order it because I never provided her with the information as I was knee deep in Christmas prep myself. She said that she would simply pay for it when Derek and I purchased it ourselves. No problem. But wait...the problem is right around the corner.
Just yesterday, so what, a full 3 or so days after Christmas, my M.I.L. calls and asks to speak to me about something. She asks if I ordered the print, which, honestly no I had not and preceded to explain to me that my F.I.L. does not want to apply money to the purchase and does not want to get that for Derek and I for Christmas.
Okay, I understand that gifts are gifts. The best gifts are those thought through without encouragement from the receiver and ones that are meaningful and will hold the memory of the giver for all time. The next best gifts, and this generally applies to Christmas gifts are those that the receiver specifically asks for and the giver gives. Ultimately it is the givers choice as to what they will give to the receiver. However, this is not what my F.I.L. is exercising. He is taking the opportunity to make a statement.
Confused? Simply put, he is displaying his embittered feelings about his son converting to become a Latter Day Saint and his granddaughter being forced into the same choice of religion by refusing to apply his cash to a symbol of our gospel centered life. (I am curious to see what my in-laws settle on.)
This is no longer about giving and receiving gifts. My F.I.L. is passive/aggressively (my least favorite form of offensive maneuvering) reminding me that I will not have any of his help when it comes to drawing the distinction that my beloved husband, jewel of a daughter and myself live a life that he is opposed to. What confuses me more than anything is his timing and choice of soap-box standing regarding this deep fissure that has been from the beginning of mine and Derek's marriage. (Derek was baptized a day after he proposed marriage to me.)
I am left reeling. What else is this man capable of? Will he feel justified undermining the moral education that Derek and I choose for our children because he does not believe what we believe? Or am I taking things to the extreme with that line of thinking? Will he begin refusing to watch our children if Derek and I need a date night to take advantage of a temple session? He has already, a form of teasing for him, said that when Adalyn is old enough he is going to tell her all about what I used to be like, prior to my "change" as he puts it. In a very heated confrontation between he and I he made it clear that he does not believe I changed for the better with regards to becoming active again with the church and gospel. It is my unique burden that my in-laws knew me before my re-activity with church and know me now as a fully active participant and so being my burden I need to deal with it. But for reals, don't put my mama tiger skills to the test because I will maim with decisiveness if I feel my children are threatened on any ground.
Lastly, to make this a bit more complicated, my in-laws are genuinely in love with my daughter and the same applies to any additional children Derek and I have. They are fantastic grandparents on every other point. They have a marriage that has stood the test of time and they do want what is best (in their minds) for my children. Secondly I do not have a standard set of parents to offer my kids as grandparents, so they (my in-laws) are it. I just wish my in-laws would afford Derek and I the same parental respect that their own parents gave them when they were in the time of their lives of raising kids. I do not want to have to watch my parenting back with them. I want to believe that they respect Derek and I as parents more than they understand our choice of lifestyle. I do not even need them to believe what we believe, but just have enough love and faith in us as current parents to support us in what we choose for our children. That would be the best Christmas gift I could ever hope to receive. I hope someday to receive it.
For Christmas this year, which was a nice, homey affair I had suggested to my Mother in law (M.I.L) that she in behalf of her and my Father in law (F.I.L) get Derek and I a pre-framed print of the Sacramento Temple. In the Deseret Book catalog there was a beautiful black and white print of the various temples and the Sac temple was one available. She agreed, no problems and that was the extent of our conversation.
Christmas day arrived and I was anticipating the print, but not surprised when she said that she did not order it because I never provided her with the information as I was knee deep in Christmas prep myself. She said that she would simply pay for it when Derek and I purchased it ourselves. No problem. But wait...the problem is right around the corner.
Just yesterday, so what, a full 3 or so days after Christmas, my M.I.L. calls and asks to speak to me about something. She asks if I ordered the print, which, honestly no I had not and preceded to explain to me that my F.I.L. does not want to apply money to the purchase and does not want to get that for Derek and I for Christmas.
Okay, I understand that gifts are gifts. The best gifts are those thought through without encouragement from the receiver and ones that are meaningful and will hold the memory of the giver for all time. The next best gifts, and this generally applies to Christmas gifts are those that the receiver specifically asks for and the giver gives. Ultimately it is the givers choice as to what they will give to the receiver. However, this is not what my F.I.L. is exercising. He is taking the opportunity to make a statement.
Confused? Simply put, he is displaying his embittered feelings about his son converting to become a Latter Day Saint and his granddaughter being forced into the same choice of religion by refusing to apply his cash to a symbol of our gospel centered life. (I am curious to see what my in-laws settle on.)
This is no longer about giving and receiving gifts. My F.I.L. is passive/aggressively (my least favorite form of offensive maneuvering) reminding me that I will not have any of his help when it comes to drawing the distinction that my beloved husband, jewel of a daughter and myself live a life that he is opposed to. What confuses me more than anything is his timing and choice of soap-box standing regarding this deep fissure that has been from the beginning of mine and Derek's marriage. (Derek was baptized a day after he proposed marriage to me.)
I am left reeling. What else is this man capable of? Will he feel justified undermining the moral education that Derek and I choose for our children because he does not believe what we believe? Or am I taking things to the extreme with that line of thinking? Will he begin refusing to watch our children if Derek and I need a date night to take advantage of a temple session? He has already, a form of teasing for him, said that when Adalyn is old enough he is going to tell her all about what I used to be like, prior to my "change" as he puts it. In a very heated confrontation between he and I he made it clear that he does not believe I changed for the better with regards to becoming active again with the church and gospel. It is my unique burden that my in-laws knew me before my re-activity with church and know me now as a fully active participant and so being my burden I need to deal with it. But for reals, don't put my mama tiger skills to the test because I will maim with decisiveness if I feel my children are threatened on any ground.
Lastly, to make this a bit more complicated, my in-laws are genuinely in love with my daughter and the same applies to any additional children Derek and I have. They are fantastic grandparents on every other point. They have a marriage that has stood the test of time and they do want what is best (in their minds) for my children. Secondly I do not have a standard set of parents to offer my kids as grandparents, so they (my in-laws) are it. I just wish my in-laws would afford Derek and I the same parental respect that their own parents gave them when they were in the time of their lives of raising kids. I do not want to have to watch my parenting back with them. I want to believe that they respect Derek and I as parents more than they understand our choice of lifestyle. I do not even need them to believe what we believe, but just have enough love and faith in us as current parents to support us in what we choose for our children. That would be the best Christmas gift I could ever hope to receive. I hope someday to receive it.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Yesterday
I had such a great day yesterday. By simply taking stock of the nature that surrounds me I was able to get in touch with a part of my spirit that has been long neglected.
Derek, Adalyn and I went out to Mather so that Derek could hit balls at the driving range and Adalyn and I went to the Mather Lake and park. While Adalyn took advantage of the jungle gym and the rocks lying about (she loves to collect rocks) I was able to sit and be healed.
I felt the wind, coolly caressing my face and saw the cotton from the cottonwood trees swirl through it, giving the wind a visible tangle quality. I trained my eyes to erase the signs of civilization on the horizon and imagined I was out in a vast field. Northern California is truly beautiful country. Looking up I could see the low lying, clear white clouds moving about in the air and in the distance I saw the enormous thunderheads that brought us the spectacular light show last night. Around me there were over 60 Canada geese, and yes I counted them, foraging in the grass and interacting with one another. What was most amazing was how I was craving all of those connections with nature. The sights, the smells, the brushing of my skin by the wind. I realized that I needed that time out there.
Then to put such a spectacular cap of the day, I beheld the raw force of nature in an electrical storm. The lightening was pulsing through the air like a strobe light and the thunder never stopped rolling. At one point, right before I fell off to sleep, the thunder clap was so loud it was like it went off right over head. Amazing.
Derek, Adalyn and I went out to Mather so that Derek could hit balls at the driving range and Adalyn and I went to the Mather Lake and park. While Adalyn took advantage of the jungle gym and the rocks lying about (she loves to collect rocks) I was able to sit and be healed.
I felt the wind, coolly caressing my face and saw the cotton from the cottonwood trees swirl through it, giving the wind a visible tangle quality. I trained my eyes to erase the signs of civilization on the horizon and imagined I was out in a vast field. Northern California is truly beautiful country. Looking up I could see the low lying, clear white clouds moving about in the air and in the distance I saw the enormous thunderheads that brought us the spectacular light show last night. Around me there were over 60 Canada geese, and yes I counted them, foraging in the grass and interacting with one another. What was most amazing was how I was craving all of those connections with nature. The sights, the smells, the brushing of my skin by the wind. I realized that I needed that time out there.
Then to put such a spectacular cap of the day, I beheld the raw force of nature in an electrical storm. The lightening was pulsing through the air like a strobe light and the thunder never stopped rolling. At one point, right before I fell off to sleep, the thunder clap was so loud it was like it went off right over head. Amazing.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
My other Blog
I have decided after much back and forth to create another blog modeled after my original blog idea. Currently this blog is set up as author viewing only but I think at the root of why I want this blog to exist is for a purpose of healing and for the pursuit of greater understanding. The format is based off of blogs written directly to my mother. Conversations, questions and tidbits I would share with her as if I were communicating directly to her. As I have not had contact with her since I was 13 this is where the healing and pursuit of greater understanding would come in.
I was originally motivated to create this blog shortly after having Adalyn. The idea of now being a mother without having my own mother in my life was eye-opening. I have never carried the "I never had a mother" baggage around with me growing up and in many ways avoided at very long length the mere perception that I was one of those people beat down by circumstances out of my control. I have taken great pride in my ability to rise to the occasion and make lemonade out of lemons. But there are still lessons I need to learn and things I need to reconcile to move past even the small scars that have been left behind by the experience of my upbringing.
I was my mother's daughter for 4 years before I became my grandmother's daughter for the rest of my life. In those first 4 years my mother had my younger brother and little sister. My sister had the least amount of time with her, coming to be my grandmother's daughter at the tender age of 6weeks old. We learned about the love of parents, growing up and the gospel at my grandmother and grandfather's knees. I love my grandmother more than any other woman in the world. She was my personal savior and a true saint, giving all she and my grandfather had to properly raise the three of us. My grandmother and grandfather embodied the covenants made with their God by doing all and more for my brother, sister and I. But I never called my grandmother, "Mom" or my grandfather "Dad" because they were not either. I had a dad and a mom.
At times it was made very clear that I did have parents by the in and out presence of my father. Sometimes he would live with his parents (and us) and other times he would not. He would make it to the occasional school function and take us to the river, or camping throughout the summer. But my grandparents gave us a home, food, shelter and everyday things that made our life livable. My father was always around. There were a few times when he was gone for a very long period of time when he was in prison. There were two separate occasions when he was in prison and each time it was my grandparents who would sit us down as mere children and tell us the news. I was always heartbroken when we had to leave the visiting center when we would go and visit him in prison. But as I have now grown into and adult I realize that he was always around by never quite available in the manner that I needed him.
My mother on the other hand was neither around and not available. When I was 4 my mother had her parenting rights stripped. I may be misusing the term for CPS stepping in and removing the kids from the home but I think my use of words paints a better picture. In my minds eye I see a woman broken by her own mistakes and choices having the most awful punishment meted out by a judge and jury, having her children taken away from her. And in reality it was a just judgement. After moving from Texas where we were living with mom and dad, my brother, sister and I became Californians and became grandchildren. I think in the time we were living in California we were visited by my mother just 3 times. The last time she visited I was 13. I can remember her sharing our beds with us at night and her wrapping her legs around us so tight it was uncomfortable. She must have known then that it was her last visit.
She called a few months after visiting to inform my grandmother that she was going to remarry. That was the last time she ever contacted us. She did not forward her new name, nor her new address, nor any means of being contacted. It was a clean break. And it still is. My grandmother was frustrated by the sudden cessation of communication on her side and had reached out to a Korean friend about the lack of communication on my mother's part. My grandmother learned from this friend that there are Korean cultural "rules" that require a woman who was previously married to a white guy to disown the past, including any resulting children to not be considered a whore.
(By the way I did just get off the phone with my grandmother to verify these past conversations upon which she told me that the day my mother called to inform her she was getting married she also told my grandmother that she was expecting. I had never known this fact before. Awesome.)
So long story short (too late) my mommy blog is going to be up for full access viewing.
My grandmother has faith that I will someday learn about my mother from my mother's own lips. In the meantime I am going to share with my mother and anyone else who wants to be a fly on the wall who I am and the joys and challenges I am now facing as a wife and mother.
Enjoy. (PS its found at momitsmemichelle.blogspot.com)
I was originally motivated to create this blog shortly after having Adalyn. The idea of now being a mother without having my own mother in my life was eye-opening. I have never carried the "I never had a mother" baggage around with me growing up and in many ways avoided at very long length the mere perception that I was one of those people beat down by circumstances out of my control. I have taken great pride in my ability to rise to the occasion and make lemonade out of lemons. But there are still lessons I need to learn and things I need to reconcile to move past even the small scars that have been left behind by the experience of my upbringing.
I was my mother's daughter for 4 years before I became my grandmother's daughter for the rest of my life. In those first 4 years my mother had my younger brother and little sister. My sister had the least amount of time with her, coming to be my grandmother's daughter at the tender age of 6weeks old. We learned about the love of parents, growing up and the gospel at my grandmother and grandfather's knees. I love my grandmother more than any other woman in the world. She was my personal savior and a true saint, giving all she and my grandfather had to properly raise the three of us. My grandmother and grandfather embodied the covenants made with their God by doing all and more for my brother, sister and I. But I never called my grandmother, "Mom" or my grandfather "Dad" because they were not either. I had a dad and a mom.
At times it was made very clear that I did have parents by the in and out presence of my father. Sometimes he would live with his parents (and us) and other times he would not. He would make it to the occasional school function and take us to the river, or camping throughout the summer. But my grandparents gave us a home, food, shelter and everyday things that made our life livable. My father was always around. There were a few times when he was gone for a very long period of time when he was in prison. There were two separate occasions when he was in prison and each time it was my grandparents who would sit us down as mere children and tell us the news. I was always heartbroken when we had to leave the visiting center when we would go and visit him in prison. But as I have now grown into and adult I realize that he was always around by never quite available in the manner that I needed him.
My mother on the other hand was neither around and not available. When I was 4 my mother had her parenting rights stripped. I may be misusing the term for CPS stepping in and removing the kids from the home but I think my use of words paints a better picture. In my minds eye I see a woman broken by her own mistakes and choices having the most awful punishment meted out by a judge and jury, having her children taken away from her. And in reality it was a just judgement. After moving from Texas where we were living with mom and dad, my brother, sister and I became Californians and became grandchildren. I think in the time we were living in California we were visited by my mother just 3 times. The last time she visited I was 13. I can remember her sharing our beds with us at night and her wrapping her legs around us so tight it was uncomfortable. She must have known then that it was her last visit.
She called a few months after visiting to inform my grandmother that she was going to remarry. That was the last time she ever contacted us. She did not forward her new name, nor her new address, nor any means of being contacted. It was a clean break. And it still is. My grandmother was frustrated by the sudden cessation of communication on her side and had reached out to a Korean friend about the lack of communication on my mother's part. My grandmother learned from this friend that there are Korean cultural "rules" that require a woman who was previously married to a white guy to disown the past, including any resulting children to not be considered a whore.
(By the way I did just get off the phone with my grandmother to verify these past conversations upon which she told me that the day my mother called to inform her she was getting married she also told my grandmother that she was expecting. I had never known this fact before. Awesome.)
So long story short (too late) my mommy blog is going to be up for full access viewing.
My grandmother has faith that I will someday learn about my mother from my mother's own lips. In the meantime I am going to share with my mother and anyone else who wants to be a fly on the wall who I am and the joys and challenges I am now facing as a wife and mother.
Enjoy. (PS its found at momitsmemichelle.blogspot.com)
Monday, May 4, 2009
I love to drive. It is one of those activities that I never mind doing. The best is driving fast. And I do drive fast but within the reasonable safe expectations for where ever I am. (My fast driving is usually reserved for the freeway.)
Today's weather was perfect for driving. Windows down, music up, my main little lady in the back seat. All was good.
The first time I traveled to London I was jonesin' to stay. I contemplated selling my car when I got back home for cash and getting a 6 months working visa for the UK. Then when I did get back home and took the car out for the fist time I realized I could never live in a place where I could not drive myself.
Yeah, I love to drive.
Today's weather was perfect for driving. Windows down, music up, my main little lady in the back seat. All was good.
The first time I traveled to London I was jonesin' to stay. I contemplated selling my car when I got back home for cash and getting a 6 months working visa for the UK. Then when I did get back home and took the car out for the fist time I realized I could never live in a place where I could not drive myself.
Yeah, I love to drive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)