My other Blog

I have decided after much back and forth to create another blog modeled after my original blog idea. Currently this blog is set up as author viewing only but I think at the root of why I want this blog to exist is for a purpose of healing and for the pursuit of greater understanding. The format is based off of blogs written directly to my mother. Conversations, questions and tidbits I would share with her as if I were communicating directly to her. As I have not had contact with her since I was 13 this is where the healing and pursuit of greater understanding would come in.

I was originally motivated to create this blog shortly after having Adalyn. The idea of now being a mother without having my own mother in my life was eye-opening. I have never carried the "I never had a mother" baggage around with me growing up and in many ways avoided at very long length the mere perception that I was one of those people beat down by circumstances out of my control. I have taken great pride in my ability to rise to the occasion and make lemonade out of lemons. But there are still lessons I need to learn and things I need to reconcile to move past even the small scars that have been left behind by the experience of my upbringing.

I was my mother's daughter for 4 years before I became my grandmother's daughter for the rest of my life. In those first 4 years my mother had my younger brother and little sister. My sister had the least amount of time with her, coming to be my grandmother's daughter at the tender age of 6weeks old. We learned about the love of parents, growing up and the gospel at my grandmother and grandfather's knees. I love my grandmother more than any other woman in the world. She was my personal savior and a true saint, giving all she and my grandfather had to properly raise the three of us. My grandmother and grandfather embodied the covenants made with their God by doing all and more for my brother, sister and I. But I never called my grandmother, "Mom" or my grandfather "Dad" because they were not either. I had a dad and a mom.

At times it was made very clear that I did have parents by the in and out presence of my father. Sometimes he would live with his parents (and us) and other times he would not. He would make it to the occasional school function and take us to the river, or camping throughout the summer. But my grandparents gave us a home, food, shelter and everyday things that made our life livable. My father was always around. There were a few times when he was gone for a very long period of time when he was in prison. There were two separate occasions when he was in prison and each time it was my grandparents who would sit us down as mere children and tell us the news. I was always heartbroken when we had to leave the visiting center when we would go and visit him in prison. But as I have now grown into and adult I realize that he was always around by never quite available in the manner that I needed him.

My mother on the other hand was neither around and not available. When I was 4 my mother had her parenting rights stripped. I may be misusing the term for CPS stepping in and removing the kids from the home but I think my use of words paints a better picture. In my minds eye I see a woman broken by her own mistakes and choices having the most awful punishment meted out by a judge and jury, having her children taken away from her. And in reality it was a just judgement. After moving from Texas where we were living with mom and dad, my brother, sister and I became Californians and became grandchildren. I think in the time we were living in California we were visited by my mother just 3 times. The last time she visited I was 13. I can remember her sharing our beds with us at night and her wrapping her legs around us so tight it was uncomfortable. She must have known then that it was her last visit.

She called a few months after visiting to inform my grandmother that she was going to remarry. That was the last time she ever contacted us. She did not forward her new name, nor her new address, nor any means of being contacted. It was a clean break. And it still is. My grandmother was frustrated by the sudden cessation of communication on her side and had reached out to a Korean friend about the lack of communication on my mother's part. My grandmother learned from this friend that there are Korean cultural "rules" that require a woman who was previously married to a white guy to disown the past, including any resulting children to not be considered a whore.

(By the way I did just get off the phone with my grandmother to verify these past conversations upon which she told me that the day my mother called to inform her she was getting married she also told my grandmother that she was expecting. I had never known this fact before. Awesome.)

So long story short (too late) my mommy blog is going to be up for full access viewing.
My grandmother has faith that I will someday learn about my mother from my mother's own lips. In the meantime I am going to share with my mother and anyone else who wants to be a fly on the wall who I am and the joys and challenges I am now facing as a wife and mother.
Enjoy. (PS its found at momitsmemichelle.blogspot.com)

I love to drive. It is one of those activities that I never mind doing. The best is driving fast. And I do drive fast but within the reasonable safe expectations for where ever I am. (My fast driving is usually reserved for the freeway.)
Today's weather was perfect for driving. Windows down, music up, my main little lady in the back seat. All was good.

The first time I traveled to London I was jonesin' to stay. I contemplated selling my car when I got back home for cash and getting a 6 months working visa for the UK. Then when I did get back home and took the car out for the fist time I realized I could never live in a place where I could not drive myself.

Yeah, I love to drive.