Day One

Day One, of being home as a full time mommy with two children and the husband at work.

Camille had her 2 week check up today and with good report! She is now 10lbs. 11oz and 21.5" long! She is over the 85% of other children her age, under what Adalyn was at this point, but hey, each baby is different.

Getting out of the house was relatively easy this morning and we were on time for the 10am Dr. appointment. I have started a sticker reward system for Adalyn, with her good behavior earning her a sticker and with so many stickers earning her a special treat, like a Jamba Juice. I was feeling really good about the day, thinking that I had it in the bag, that is until we got into the appointment with the Dr. In the middle of my conversation with Dr. Buffington about my delivery with Camille, Adalyn began demanding that I stop talking. She has never done that before and so I ignored her and continued my conversation. She began to become even more demanding and at the climax of her fit she struck me several times and even hit Camille on top of the head. I made her stand away from us and she began to scream and at that point I changed my tactic and asked what she needed from a hug to sitting on my lap. I offered to put baby sister in the car seat and to have Adalyn sit on my lap. The Dr brought out several books for Adalyn to look at. I was finally able to redirect Adalyn when the Dr. began her check up of Camille by having Adalyn observe what the Dr. was doing.

After the appointment I wanted to run up to the nearest Trader Joe's and grab a few groceries. Thank you Trader Joe's for having child size shopping carts! Adalyn loved pushing it around with the groceries we were planning on purchasing. However somewhere along the way, I am now having a hard time remembering Adalyn hauled off and hit me again for something that she was frustrated over me not allowing her to do. We went home and Adalyn went down for a nap and so Camille and I also took the opportunity for a snooze.

One of my favorite moments with Adalyn is when she comes into my room after waking up in the morning or from a nap and I am still in bed and we share a sweet smile. She came in and crawled in bed with me, but as I anticipated just a moment later she began asking then demanding some chocolate cookies that I gave her a taste of before her nap. I told her she could have some in a few minutes after I got out of bed. She did not like the idea of waiting and began to whine and then scream and finally hit me again.

At this point I am super angry. I am having a hard time keeping it together, in fact as it is, I jump out of bed and not as gently as a mother should I pick her up and march her to her room for a time out. The feeling of anger that I have at her behavior is overwhelming. Even now as I think about my emotions in relation to her behavior and I am troubled by them. I know she is acting up more because of the change of our family dynamics, but I am ultimately responsible for managing not only my emotions and behavior, but hers as well. I can remember never feeling angry at her. Granted this was when she was my only child and there was a sense of ease about our relationship as mother and daughter. It has become more complicated now because of the addition of another beautiful girl, and because Adalyn is growing more independent. Part of me is afraid of not having that same sense of being in love that I had when she was my only one and that the feelings of frustration and anger at her behavior will begin to consume more of my time with her. How do I manage that? How do I capture that special sweetness as she is my daughter and I love her more than I love my life? I weep over some of what I feel I have already lost, yet I would not give up having Camille in my life now for anything, but I do not want to sacrifice my bond with Adalyn either. This is not a new problem I am sure, but it is new to me.

To end for the time being, we are having a day of no TV because of the choices Adalyn made today and I am making sure I give her more one on one time in the interim. We shall see how the rest of the day progresses.